No one is eating anyone’s pets; we’re consuming each other instead.
There are calls from both sides to tone down the rhetoric, however, each side maintains that they are the victims of violent speech, not the perpetrators. Words have consequences whether you’re a national politician magnifying misinformation or a congregation member passing along a rumor. We in the USA value our freedom, which includes freedom of speech, but Paul reminds us that love puts limits on our liberty.
Galatians 5:14-15:
For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” If, however, you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.
Stop Biting
Sound pretty basic: love your neighbor, don’t bite them. However, we are biologically hardwired to respond to threats, whether the threat is an oncoming sabretooth tiger or someone who hurts our feelings. The stress we feel will trigger a reaction. It’s what we do with that impulse that counts.
What Stress Looks Like
Most of the time most of us respond to the folks in our congregation with compassion. We keep the biting and devouring to a minimum. However, as with any family, things can get tense. Feelings are part of life. We feel joy, anger, love, excitement, hope, overwhelm, stress, and so much more. Emotions are powerful and contagious. Ever try to keep a straight face when everyone else is laughing? Happiness is contagious; so is fear.
Contagious emotions are a bit like an eddy; the little water cyclone hovers over the bathtub drain and spins around until it pulls every drop of water into it. Let's say we’re in the annual meeting and the treasurer presents the budget with the cuts the council recommends. An influential member raises a concern. It could be a valid concern—but it comes across as an attack. Anger is a common mask for fear. Friends of the influencer add their frustrations, and the rest of the congregation begins to get nervous. The eddy forms and pulls toward the drain. Soon the topic is forgotten, and unaddressed anxiety swirls around the room. If the treasurer becomes defensive the opportunity to have a helpful discussion will go down the drain. But if the leaders can stay calm and address the concern of the influencer, the anxiety can be calmed.
Sometimes we respond well when folks voice opinions different from our own, but sometimes our biology gets in the way. We want to be open to concerns, but some things trigger our fight, flight, or freeze instincts. Since it is seldom appropriate for us to punch someone or to run away when we feel threatened, we’ve relied on more verbal responses.
How to Stop Biting: A Tool to Recognize Responses to Stress
Harriet Lerner is a clinical psychologist who has authored several books about emotions and relationships. In her book The Dance of Fear, she identifies five “patterned ways we move under stress.” We under-function, over-function, blame, distance, and/or gossip. Learning to recognize these responses as part of human nature can help us respond in ways that will calm the situation, rather than make it worse. We won’t be easily sucked into the eddy of someone else’s anxiety if we can recognize it as their response to stress, and not personal attack. Our calm will help people to hear our response.
Our free resource is based on Dr Lerner’s work. It’s a way to think through several situations and reflect on which biological response may be fueling someone’s reaction. This activity is expanded in Beyond the Bulletin.
Free resource: Recognizing Responses to Stress
Learn more about Beyond the Bulletin: A Communication Strategy for Congregations.
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